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Damn I guess I'm still ticking - Rage More

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March 4th, 2010

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11:56 pm - Damn I guess I'm still ticking
Wow, it has been a really long time since I've been on here. So long I forgot my name and I probably don't have many friends on here anymore but that's okay this is for me because people don't usually read my shitty posts anyway. And I'm fine with that. This is my space to rant and the only place I really can.

I don't even know how to start this or how to keep from rambling on. I'm just not good at opening up and letting out my feelings but at the same time I an still kinda sensative. With that being said people always choice to either look at the glass as half full or half empty, but I look at it totally different. I see it as someone is going to come along and drink the rest of what is in the glass so eventually it will be totally empty. Maybe that might make sense to someone. What I am really trying to say and not actually be cryptic about is that a lot has happened in my life and I am not a positive thinker. I don't see the best in people and I don't know how to be positive because in my 28 and a half years I have seen too much horror to believe good will come. So instead I always expect the worst so when it happens it doesn't sting as much because I just figured the outcome would be horrible to begin with. I've picked myself up too many times. I think for now I am content with just lying on the floor and maybe someone else will fall beside me and keep me company.

For those of you thinking I'm just blowing smoke out of my ass, I'm not. On my 16th birthday my grandmother died in my childhood house while I was in the room and I think to this day she held on in pain because I was selfish and wanted her to remain alive at least long enough to see me through another birthday so she fought long enough to see my sweet sixteen and than in a second at 12:35 a.m. on October the 14th she took her last breath. I didn't cry though, I let whoever else needed to cry carry on with those emotions and I took on my role of the strong one. And for 12 years now I've been playing that role a little too well. I think I've forgotten how to cry actually as stupid as that may sound. I'm not done though, two weeks before I went away to college at Texas A&M my best friend was killed. Some of you may remember how hard that was for me and it changed me forever. While in college I lost two friends I went to highschool with in a roadside IED in the war. Most of you know Hurricane Katrina destroyed my house in New Orleans so I was forced to move and ended up in a small hick town in Arkansas and I do not like this place at all. Than I myself took ill soon after the hurricane. I was hospitalized for over two weeks. I was bleeding out and needed blood transfusions. I went through so many test and so much pain. I have intestinal hemmorahging and I also have Lupus. In case you are unaware Lupus is the body rejecting it's organs including the biggesgt organ which is your skin. I was put on a form of chemotherapy and it made me so physically ill and I lost some of my hair, not all but some. I had such beautiful long hair, now it's short stringy and thin. But I am not a vain person so I just keep telling myself it will eventually grow back.

Yes I am rambling but I warned the few of you still reading I would so feel free to stop reading because I'm not done yet. Sometimes when I am in the shower I turn the water to really hot just to feel it burn and to make sure I can still feel physical pain other than that caused by my disease. When it starts to burn I don't know weather to laugh or take in a sigh of relife in the fact I am still whole. My god that sounds stupid now that I've actually typed it, but I'm not erasing it. It's just easier to leave it since it is my own thought.

Sometimes at night I have this dream. I'm usually walking alone and this person comes along but I can't see their face so I don't know who they are. But I follow them cause the rest of the world is sleeping and this hole inside me becomes a bar and this person strikes a flame with me and I can only see this shadow but I start talking to this person and it almost sounds like a desperate plea for affection. I beg them to give me what I could never ask for I just want to be connected and they could be my own personal chemical my own personal drug. When I'm running from the rest of the world cause this person doesn't want my soul they just want to connect with me as well. But I always wake up after that and come to the cruel realization I will porbably never be connected with someone like that. All the wonder that I want I only get in this stupid fucking dream. Thats all it ever is, a dream. I just wish it was a slower burn so I could enjoy it longer. I just don't connect with people, I realize that. All I have is my writings as sad as it sounds. But at least in there I can create a happy ending. Whoever managed to read this whole thing I'm sorry and I promise I am not on any mind altering drugs. I don't know where all of this came from I just started writing and I couldn't stop. I'm not sure if I personally feel any better but I don't feel worse.

My final thought is, you can't break what's been shattered in pieces for many years. But maybe it's time I get some superglue and try to put some of these pieces back together. Who knows, maybe someone will come along and refill that empty glass for me someday I won't hold on to that thought though. I have Lupus, Lupus doesn't have me and I'm not ready to die yet. Just because I don't know what's worth holding onto, but maybe someday I will figure that out, the only other alternative is to die alone. But in the end we all die alone if you think about it. I have nothing left to say now. Goodbye.
Current Location: around
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Current Music: Kate Voegele Kindly Unspoken

(1 comment | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:March 5th, 2010 02:36 pm (UTC)
*hugs* it makes sense to me

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